Go from paralysis to problem solving Negative thought loops make you feel productive, but you’re not. If you’ve ever suffered from negative thought loops like I used to, then you know the anxiety they can cause. It feels like we’re doing something about our problems because we’re “busy” dedicating time and energy to the issues. But we’re not actually doing anything to solve our problems. And action is how we solve problems. There’s a way out of those loops! If this sounds like something you do, I’m here to tell you: there is a way out! I am living…

COVID-19 got you stressed and anxious? This might be why. There’s a lot going on right now that’s out of our control. This has caused many of us stress and anxiety. There are always things outside our control. But during COVID-19 it’s happening on a grand scale and it’s happening to everyone. Feeling like we can’t control things is scary. It can also be demoralizing. We all want to feel like we can affect the world around us. It can also be very draining if, no matter how much effort…

Are you pissed off a lot? Are you the kind of person who gets pissed off in traffic? Or at the line at the motor vehicle department? I used to be that kind of person too. I didn’t realize just how pissed off I was, or how often I was pissed off — until I wasn’t anymore. I’m going to tell you the story of how I went from being angry and frustrated much of time, to being calm and accepting. I thought traffic was the cause of my frustration.…

Maybe you do too I was not, and never have been, a pessimist. I never thought the world was against me. Or “poor me.” Or, “No matter what I do, nothing turns out right.” My victim mentality was much more subtle than that. I thought pretty highly of myself — I knew I was intelligent, strong, capable. I wasn’t waiting around for someone to come fix my life. When I came across people with obvious victim mentality, they pissed me off. There was no way I was like “them.” What…

I didn’t realize that complaining about someone for years was gossip. In hindsight, it’s pretty surprising that this didn’t register as “gossip” to me. Talking negatively behind someone’s back for years on end is pretty much the definition of gossip. But there was a lot about my thinking and behavior before 12 step recovery that was outside of my awareness. In recovery, we call that “denial.” I’ll tell you what I learned about gossip and how to stop below. But first, a tiny bit of context. There is more than…

Lessons learned from my 20-year practice Today is my 20th anniversary of keeping a nightly gratitude journal. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than to share what that practice has done for me. It’s caused me to shift my focus from negative things to positive things, and to appreciate things I long took for granted. I’ll share more details on the rewards of practicing gratitude, then some personal stories to illustrate those rewards. Then I’ll go into a few suggestions for starting your own gratitude practice. I’ll…

If you’re interested in self-development, learning how to pause when you’re distressed is an important and effective tool in changing your ways. I would argue it’s the most effective tool. You can’t use other tools without first pausing to assess the situation. The inability to pause acts like a gatekeeper for all other tools of self-development. Once you learn to pause, it has a cascade effect on your life. It enables you to use other tools like asking for information or support, researching best practices, or making reasoned assessments of…

I somehow grew up with the notion that asking for help was not okay. In fact, I was the giver of help, not the receiver. It felt like a duty. When I got into 12 step recovery, one of the most important lessons I learned was to reach out for help from others. The process of learning how to do this, and why it wasn’t an option before, was very enlightening. I hope that reading this will enable you to start asking for help, or asking for help more often. Reaching out…

Many people carry resentment and anger toward others they could get rid of if they learned to forgive. But there isn’t a lot of information out there about how to forgive. Most of the information I came across in my years of trying to forgive was on why to forgive. I also had a lot of misconceptions about what forgiveness is and is not, maybe you do too. Those misconceptions often get in the way of our forgiveness of others. I eventually learned that forgiveness is all about compassion. You might be resistant to…

Intense relationships can sometimes be mistaken for “intimate” relationships, but they’re not. Intense relationships are often dysfunctional and chaotic. Emotionally intimate relationships are typically not. If you want true intimacy, it requires being vulnerable, which requires trust. We can only build trust over time through seeing patterns of behavior. It’s possible to learn how to get away from intense relationships. It’s also possible to build intimate relationships even if you’ve never had one. I’m living proof! I’ve been in 29 relationships, 11 of which I considered to be boyfriends. I’ve been in…