If you’ve been seeking and not finding, I get it. If you’ve been on a journey of self-discovery for years and are wondering, “Is this all there is?” I get it. If you’ve gotten temporary relief from acute emotional pain, but the pain keeps coming back and you’re wondering, “why does this keep happening?” I get that too. That was me before I got into 12 step recovery. We have two sayings in 12 step recovery that address these issues. “Discovery is not recovery” and “Relief is not recovery.” They refer to…

This quarantine can be particularly stressful on relationships. Maybe you’re living in close quarters with others. Or you’re only relating to people at a distance — or it’s the stress of these crazy times. It’s always important to relate to others as skillfully as possible, but that’s become even more important right now. Relationship guidance from David J. Leiberman, Ph.D. Lieberman has nine great suggestions for how to drastically improve any kind of relationship. They’re from his book, Make Peace with Anyone. Specifically, they’re from the chapter called, “The 9 Rules to Drastically…

You don’t have to believe what’s going through your head. If you think things like, “I’m never gonna figure this out” or“Oh my God! I’m such a f***ing loser!” or“I’m the worst piece of s*** in the world” you don’t have to believe them! I’ll explain why in a minute. But first… Your thoughts guide your life. This is true whether you’re aware of those thoughts or not. This is a problem because many of our subconscious thoughts are negative. Typically, these subconscious thoughts are ones we’ve internalized from elsewhere.…

Many of us decide what things mean without all the information. Then we use unconscious filters to fill in the gaps to decide what they mean. That is, we make assumptions about what things mean. For example: We make matters worse by not asking questions when we’re unclear what something means or if someone is mad at us. Asking, “Are you upset with me?” or “what did you mean by that?” will help tremendously. You could also try saying “help me understand why you did that.” Assuming the best of…

How you judge yourself is much more important than how others judge you. I was mired in fear for most of my life, especially the fear of being judged by others. For a long time, I didn’t even realize I had this fear. Once I did, I then realized — I’m going to be judged no matter what. So how about if I get judged for being the actual me, instead of some fake version of me?! If you’re afraid of being judged by others, that can change. I’m living proof! I…

Being enmeshed means that you’re so connected to your family or another person that you don’t know where you end and they begin. Getting out of enmeshment requires that you set boundaries around your life. This enables you to take care of yourself, rather than taking care of others. Enmeshed people don’t feel free to make choices about their own preferences. They don’t feel free to choose how they live their lives, what habits they form, their hobbies, their careers, their partners, where they live, etc. Sometimes enmeshed people don’t…

Some frameworks to improve your internal dialogue Managing our thoughts and our minds is the most powerful way to change our lives. We’ve been taught what to think and why, but not really how to think. When we let our mind go on autopilot, the results can be disastrous. In this article, I illustrate several ways for how to think, and especially how to change your thinking. These frames for “thought work” take very little effort, with monumental payoff. What you think, you become. A metaphor for the mind. Imagine the reservoir that provides the water supply in your…

Are you filled with tension and anxiety and don’t know why? Maybe you know something needs to change, but don’t know what. You’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work, at least not long-term. That was me before 12 step recovery. I’ve learned to do something that has improved my life drastically, including in my relationships and work: Keeping the focus on myself in the here and now, instead of on others, the outside world, the past or the future. That’s because the only thing in this world I can control…